i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
