I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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