I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
