I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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