the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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