I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
