I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
