After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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