I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
