I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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