i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
