The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
