I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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