You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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