if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
