So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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