quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
