my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize