My nipple is on Facebook.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
