I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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