I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
