Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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