I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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