Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
