I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
