Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
