Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
