he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
