I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
