East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
