remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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