i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
the liver wants what the liver wants
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
