Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
