pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
