Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize