i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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