You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
