you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
