I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
