My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
