Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
