Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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