WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
