I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
