I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
