Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
