Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
