All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
