You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
