im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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