I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
