My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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