Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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