He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
