Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
