Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
