You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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