every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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