im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
