wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
