I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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