My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
In other news, I just burned my penis
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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